I really really really really love you. “Really” is not enough to describe Love. In a stronger sense, if loving you requires me to hate everything else, i would.

Everyone tried to remember this “rule” and continued to play. A few of us forgot once in a while because the game was too exciting. I remembered myself reminding them many times, because i really was worried that the bed will break. I forgot if the bed gave way again or not, but i remembered that we stopped the game because everyone was tired.

I learnt something from this. Call me weird or what. But after everything was calm, i was talking to myself inside:

Persecutions/Obstacles may come. We can choose to give up or to change to alternatives. Though it may not be as effective as it will be without those obstacles, just like when there are persecutions, it is harder to spread the good news.

1. Obstacles:
   We can choose to stop playing when these obstacles become more and more obvious and tempting.
   We can choose to stop serving when persecutions from our close friend/family surface.
   
2. Consequences of not giving up:
   The bed may break, people may get injured.
   Parental objections, losing of family/friends, results, commitments like CCA may not be as good as others.
   
3. Alternatives instead of giving up:
   Rolling on the bed instead of standing/jumping/running on it. Sitting only? Lying only? No more than 2 on the bed?
   Prioritising, time management, integrity, using love to transform others, being accountable to whom you trust/family.
4. Outcome:
   You can break the bed, continue to play, still have fun, pay the price later. Or make use of alternatives to continue to have fun with the risks of still breaking the bed. Or just stop playing without trying other methods to prevent paying the price.
   You can heck what the world says/thinks of you, continue to serve and love Him, still trusting in Him, but sacrificing in pain, still going to Heaven. Or make use of alternatives to continue to struggle powerfully with Him with risks of unexpected hurts (sometimes, the world persecute you not because the Bible says so, but because your actions/life isn’t honouring Him). Or give up serving without trying to let go and let Him with your 100%.

God doesn’t want to change your circumstances, He wants to change you.

Back to real stuff. What a 2 years of jc life. Be it what i’ll be doing after getting my results, i want to click *pause* now. Ask me to sum up these 2 yrs in my mind, most of it will be about 2011. Sooooooooo many things happened - be it my heart, my life, my family, my attitude, my thoughts, my almost-everything. When i *pause* all these, everything brings me back to one question – What will i say to Jesus when He comes back?

All these will fade away. I just want to live my life, not wasted.

Make me a servant, my heart ever true.

I’m lazy to give in details of each day. Maybe i’ll just sum up per day. Hahahaha

1 Day before Camp:

God already fulfilled one of my camp objectives through Devotions. Yay praise Him!

1st day:

God added another challenge for me as i keep avoiding this fear in me. So thankful that God did that to me, now i’m so determined to change the way i live at home from after camp onwards! I’ve started taking up free cooking lessons, with my mum as my mentor. What a great way to challenge myself. 2 birds with 1 stone!

Day 2:

God revealed what’s the root issue as to why our LG is not growing tgt the past few months. Thank God for the PJ LG! Then, God furthered challenge me again about my mum’s issue.

Day 3:

This was the most disturbed day out of the 4 days of camp. I’ve learnt to surrender fully to God before i ask Him for anything. It took me quite some time before i understand what does it mean to surrender. I want to mean it when i place my hand on the Unit board. I have faith in Him that when i choose to surrender my 100%, He will return me His 100% which is much more than my same 100%!

Also, while i was worshiping during alter call, I set my mind to settle everything before camp (even more so after what Matthias challenged the unit that night). Thank God for His given courage for me to face things which affected me every once in a while. He purposely dig out those hidden hurts/ hidden thoughts while i talk to people. This camp, can be comparable to Oasis. Just that i cry for even the slightest thing!! WHAT THE HECK, confession also cry, studies also cry, family also cry. But well, i’m glad God spoke to me so much even till the last second of camp. Happy ending!

He spoke 8 solid things into my life already, on the 1st day. I  really believe that God loves me alot alot alot! I wanna love Him back too! Thank God for using those He-sent people to speak to me during camp!! I’ve realised how much a words person i am. I’VE GOT TO LEARNT SO MUCH MORE IN LISTENING TO HIM RATHER THAN MAN! This after-camp is so much different from other after-camps. Time to do some things after camp!! So eggcited to know how much God can use me after camp and how much i  can fulfil my pact with Him!

Maybe i’m judgemental, but i believe there is such thing as fake humility. Right now, humility this word to me has different degrees. 1st – Innate Humility. It means somehow God put this true humility in someone. Whether the person knows it or not, it doesn’t matter. And this degree of humility is rare and precious. Nothing you do can improve this magnitude of humility, neither could you deplete it. It is that precious.

2nd - Moulded Humility. I believe that along the journey of life, things happen to mould you. But whether your response to these things mould you to become more humble or less humble, only God knows. Maybe one is not very humble at the start, but at the end of the day, he or she may have gained some humility from experiences or was influenced to learn to be more humble than before. Maybe one can be humble already right from the start (take note that this is not innate humility, this is seeing humility in others and didn’t have much pride to begin with). But at the end of the day, that person’s humility may be depleted due to change of heart and be influenced by evil thoughts. See the difference between Moulded Humility and Innate Humility? One can be eroded, while the other can’t.

3rd – Fake Humility. The reason why it’s fake is quite linked to the 1st and the 2nd. Just like the 2nd one, he or she can watch someone being humble at the side before really practicing humility (yeah you can imagine that person being very young). But unlike the 1st one, he or she does not have that natural instinct to be humble. Yet above 2nd and 1st, that person chose to not instill real humility into himself or herself. And this kind of humility doesn’t last. And definitely, this kind of humility doesn’t come from God and isn’t the kind of humility that He wants us to have. Some of us may fall into this intangible trap.

The issue here is not to start observing people and start differentiating them into categories, because sometimes you may have Fake Humility which you yourself don’t know. I once doubted myself about this, not that i have an answer now, but i guess like many things, only you go to Heaven then can ask God. But right now, i guess many of us fall in the 2nd type. I mean even if you are the 1st type, you won’t even know. So why not just give the benefit of the doubt and assume that you still have room to grow to be more humble? No harm “growing” anyway.

Humility is a tricky thing. And to learn and grow, the only way and the quickest way (i believe) is when God humbled you Himself. I mean everyone has some pride, so humans can’t humble humans.

“Humility is not thinking less of yourself , but thinking of yourself less.” - just like this quote, i believe that when you acknowledge this and start practicing humility, regardless of whether God created you already humble or not, at the end of the day, you will be humbled by Him.

I just want to encourage those who annoint people for their character, live life with these people, maybe you won’t get to know their true humility, but just never ever hear it from others. If you have to, go to the ground level to live life with these people, then will you not be blinded by mere “up-value” affirmations.

Then it was praise, the 1st few tunes i heard, i teared immediately. Not that it’s my favourite praise song, but i just felt His presence filling up my heart. At 1st i felt unworthy, then it was Love, then it was just a girl who wants more from God. She just wants the Father to tell her what’s wrong. She wants Him to fill the emptiness inside, just want a word from Him. She continued to cry after the next praise song, still crying during worship. She doesn’t know why she’s crying. She only felt the very real One. The last time i got this feeling was 2010 Hope conference. But the context was different. This time, God revealed Himself so timely again as if He’s telling me “You just got to believe me”. He convinced me during Sermon. This year, i just learnt so so much about Him when i truly set my mind and heart to read about Him. Thank God i started reading. Or else, even when the Sermon was preached yesterday, i wouldn’t feel as convicted as now.

You know, i love debates. I love it when my opponent has that “i give up, you win” face. But i hate debating when i can’t convince my opponent, as if i’m not fully convinced myself about my own arguments. Then PJ taught about Titus which i quite like the book, and he mentioned about correcting in truth and in love.

I can’t be the Lion, never want to be in fact. But i have to, with Him. I truly dislike debating with knowledgeable people, because i know my language itself already sucks. But God taught me something. It’s not about how knowledgeable you are or how well you speak, it’s about speaking in truth and in love. One can be like the warped person who just want to debate for the sake of debating, but the truth is the TRUTH! If he can share about the truth, that’s great for the LG! But if he distorts the Truth, then that’s when a Lion comes in. Lion gives me an impression that someone got to be the “bad guy”.

I’m always afraid to strain relationships/ leave a bad impression unto others/ offend others/ judge others. We are all judgemental freaks whether you accept it or not. But sometimes, some things you can’t assume either. I guess only when you grow in Him and gain more wisdom from Him, you can discern your assumption better. Then God also revealed to me that you can only speak the Truth only when you know the Truth. So i must invest much time in the WOG! Not to correct people, but to convince myself about the Truth and to understand why is it the Truth!

God is really real in my life. He always speaks to me only after i read about Him. I’m serious. He gave me a new direction this time. I’m still waiting for the full picture though. Meanwhile, today is the last day i would REALLY MUG, until maybe 10 months later? And i’m restricting myself from Fastfood from tmr onwards [ Yes, including kfc porridge ]! Then i’ll be running eveyday, sometimes twice a day. For Grad Night, for my health, for my future LOL. If Ris Low can lose 8kg within 2 weeks just by eating an apple a day, i can lose at least 4 kg within 2 weeks just by exercising and eating healthily, right? =)

P.S. Full court is the best when you play with people you enjoy playing with. But i miss my favourites.

Because true enough, only through thick and thin then will you appreciate their presence.

Teacher: What were you all doing? Trying to cheat?

Both of us were silent for a  moment.

My friend: I was just trying to borrow an eraser from her.

Teacher: *shakes head* Do you know that cheating is a serious offence?

After much thinking..

Teacher: I will let you all go this time, but don’t do it again. You may not be that lucky the next time.

Me: Tsk.

Teacher: What are you laughing at?

Me: Nothing, it’s just that you have no proof.

Teacher: Do you know that i don’t need to have a proof to send you all to the principal office?

She lets us off in the end.

Can’t believe i actually did that..Well, that’s in Sec2.

1. Lose 6 kgs from now till end of As.
2. Finish all Mindmaps by this week.
3. Pack all my papers in files by tmr.
4. Study hard, no more dramas, no more fastfood, no $ spent on weekdays.

Here’s my daily activity:

• Wake up at 7am sharp everyday.
• Jog for an hour after wash up.
• Rest/bathe/read/cutie for an hour.
• Eat light breakfast.
• Study.
• Lunch – eat non-carbo and light.
• Study/tuition.
• Dinner – less than half a bowl of rice with mum’s usual dishes.
• Study/pray/read.
• Sleep by 10.30pm.

Days of exception would be shepherdings/LG/Saturdays, including preparation.

Quite excited to fulfil these! Pray for me k! I’m sure i would be hungry but i have non-fat alternatives like Oats/bisuits/fruits.

This is to break my curse too – I can study at home! They say don’t fight sins, flee from sins. True, but sins aren’t sins until your heart motive isn’t right or the thoughts/actions you make are not honouring Him. Laptop is only a sin when you use them after giving in to temptations. Am i scared of As? Yeah, but the more i think of the outcome, the more insecure i get. So i just gotta learn to focus on what i can do, rather than what i can’t do. Every A lvl student faces this, but with God, i have an everlasting motivation. Jia you, for those who are studying hard for “A”! [Hopefully, i can really lose 6kgs at least] HAHAHA. Hope is believing what will in the end come true, wish is just guessing what will or will not come true. I choose to hope.